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Study Break

Fun Friday: NRA Family Conquers the Xenomorphs

Yes, the NRA’s official website has a section called “NRA Family” featuring wholesome stories about family issues like bras that double as gun holsters, the best guns to buy when your family goes dove hunting and helping your infant’s immune system by keeping him near the hunting dog that you use to help kill small creatures.

The Family section also brought us re-writes of fairy tales like Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel, now featuring pistol-packing kids and grandmas who, essentially, get rid of witches and wolves with firepower before Act II even has a chance to begin.

A recent article, though, was anything but fun for the whole family. It was a disturbing call to action to kill non-citizens who live in the United States.

Titled “Fun Friday: Your ‘Alien’ EDC Kit”, it begins as a critique of the movie “Alien” and states that supporting horror movies is not what “we’re about here at NRA Family.” They use that setup as if they’re going to discuss a spooky sci-fi character, but, of course, it comes out like this:

“Aliens are lurking on the surface of Earth, and facehuggers prowl the alleyways of Detroit and other major cities, looking to nab unwitting passersby. I, for one, am perfectly content to invest a sizeable amount of money into a kit that keeps my sternum from exploding on a dining room table à la the original Alien, so let’s get to it.”

If Google Translate had a nutcase-to-English version, it would say: “Illegal aliens are taking over the country, and muggers are waiting for you in Detroit and other big cities (where a lot of brown people live), and I’ll pay whatever it costs to kill them before they take my wallet or kill me first.”

The article even tells readers what devices they need to accomplish this mission. First:  the Damascus Gear Imperial Riot Control Kit (as little as $442 at Walmart with free shipping, though it’s also available at other websites that boast “Imperial riot control suits that fit your budget” – so perhaps it’s best to shop around). The Imperial Riot Kit, according to the article, will protect your face from Xenomorphs, a/k/a “facehuggers.”

The next device on the product list answers this question “What is the best civilian-legal alien-hunting rifle on the market today?” Well, it’s the Alexander Arms .50 Beowulf Tactical (list price $934). But then there’s the “community friendly” Magnum Research Desert Eagle in .50 Action Express (list price $1,604) or the indispensable Throwflame X15 Flamethrower (list price $1,750) – the only flamethrower they can find that’s available to civilians that have a credit card and Internet connection.

Alright. Immigration policy is one that has and will continue to rage and be used in various ways for political reasons. But like most things in America, policies are determined by cost, not emotion. Which means that it’s time to do some cost comparison.

It’s safe to say there 800,000 Dreamers and 400,000 legal refugees in America right now. Deporting them the old-fashioned way would cost $10,800 per person, for a total price tag of $13 billion.

In contrast, arming the 5 million NRA members with the products suggested in the Fun Friday column would cost—including ammunition – an estimated $15.4 billion. This means the Fun Friday strategy would be $2.4 billion more than the what the U.S. government would expect to pay.

But keep the calculator running.

Let’s assume that the NRA vigilantes are only going to wound some of their targets. Since America spends about $126 billion annually on gunshot treatments, and dreamer/refugee population comprises about 0.4% of the population, then budget another half million dollars as an allotment for the Xenomorphs who play possum and make it to the hospital.

Based on data from U.S. Funerals Online, discount cremation for those who are killed would cost minimum of $400, so that’s another $360 million.

The NRA troops who are caught and convicted would each cost the taxpayers $31,977 annually to imprison.

And whether it’s the NRA or the government that washes away the pretend problem, there’s a loss of about $3 billion in annual taxes that dreamers and refugees pay into the system. Since most of them are young, having to be under 16 in 2017, that’s a loss of $32 trillion dollars over the dreamer’s lifetime. Since they earn taxes but are not entitled to many benefits, that’s straight profit for the government.

So, the NRA family plan would cost anywhere between $23 billion and $68 billion over a ten-year period.

The only conceivable positive in the NRA’s Fun Friday plan would be that half the dreamers are registered organ donors.


 

 

 

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