BRINGING THE IMPORTANT STORIES OUT TO ROOST

This week, intrepid reporters Lester & Charlie traveled around the corner and around the country to collect the important news that YOU want to know. Here’s what’s important this week in America:

FULTON COUNTY, GEORGIA
Pastor of the poor and meek, Creflo A. Dollar, Jr., really needs your help to get his new $65 million private plane. Which, we know, is the most effective means of spreading the word of Jesus.

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA
Arresting black people has become a national pastime, apparently. But no child is left behind when it comes to this fun national craze! Here’s one who was arrested for bringing a leaf to school.

MATTEL HEADQUARTERS
Speaking of children, they absolutely hate privacy and love marketing and they love the NSA. So, Mattel to the rescue! The newly introduced talking Barbie takes what your child says and beams a recording somewhere and it’s educational, probably!

MARTIN LUTHER STARBUCKS?
Finally, something better for race relations than those pesky bits of legislation passed in the 50s and 60s. What could possibly go wrong?

SOUTH CAROLINA
This will probably be our next president. Enjoy!

Stay tuned for more good news!