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Everything you need to know about last week for this week’s cocktail party.

Last week, two alcoholic bears who have been living in squalor for 20 years next to a bar in Sochi were ordered by a Russian court to pack up and go into rehab.

A place in central Transylvania — one that has a lot of experience with retired boozing circus dancing bears, of course — stepped up and offered to put the duo on a 12-step regimen.

But the cost of transportation made the journey impossible until 80-year-old French sex symbol Brigitte Bardot stepped in and footed the bill. The end.

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