Everything you need to know about last week’s politics for this week’s cocktail party.
History was made and celebrated this week and we’re going to tell you the important parts.
First, there was panic this week in Los Angeles, causing residents to flood 911 switchboards in record-setting numbers. It was due to a one-hour Facebook crash. The flurry of calls tied up emergency switchboards with people desperately trying to re-post this week’s hilarious Grumpy Cat portrait before George Takei beat them to it. The terror forced the County Sheriff’s Department to go on Twitter in a useless attempt to explain to Angelinos that FB going down was not an emergency.
More history took place this week in the House of Representatives. No, they didn’t start working. But they were given some work advice when the “associate whip” Steven Palazzo (R-Hooterville) handed out a Bible to everyone in Congress.
As he explained in the blessed gift cards, “Our staffs provide us with policy memos, statistics, and recommendations that help us make informed decisions. However, I find that the best advice comes through meditating on God’s Word.” When Congress returns from vacation next month, we”ll be sending each member a copy of our new book: Lester & Charlie’s 50 Favorite Examples of Self-Proclaimed Religious Authority Doing a Better Job at Governing and Maintaining World Peace and Economic Balance Than Analyses Generated by the Best Statisticians, Academics and Intelligence That Money Can Buy. We just need 49 more examples.
And, for all of you who just got to voting age (which means you were born in 1996 — the last time most of us washed the dog or cleaned out our cat’s litter box), this week marked the 40th Anniversary of Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon’s resignation from the presidency of the United States. He was forced to resign because he was a Republican Jackass. But he gave 18-year-olds the right to vote, broke the great wall between China and America, established the Environmental Protection Agency, instituted guidelines for worker safety and comfort, created the Consumer Product Safety Commission, fought for girls to be able to play sports, made it so that Social Security payments had to keep up with the cost of living, expanded social safety net programs like welfare and food stamps, cut defense spending, supported the Equal Rights Amendment, settled claims with Native Americans and adopted Keynesian economic policies to beat a recession. In spite of these progressive accomplishments, he was still a Republican Jackass who had no respect for the Constitution. But some of us wish that today’s Republican Jackasses who have no respect for the Constitution could be a little more like him.