Ellen the De Generate


If, like us, you are the beneficiary of a primary Catholic school education, you may have some interesting memories of all the things you got from those nuns. Like raps on the knuckles. Curt, abbreviated classes in “science.” Lessons for boys in how to pee without using your hands!

Once, as punishment for giving the wrong answer in Math class, we witnessed a classmate being forced to swallow a tablespoon of salt. (Really. We don’t have photographic proof of that last one; you’ll just have to take our word for it.)

Do you know what we never got from those nuns? An apology.

Well, times change, and lo and behold, all these years later, an apology is just what the kids are getting from the principal at St. Andrew Elementary, a Catholic school in Bucks County, Pennsylvania.

And yes, the principal is apologizing for her role in permanently scarring these schoolkids’ psyches.

“We work so hard to be good role models,” wrote principal Nancy Matteo in a school-wide email this week, “and then I go and do something stupid!”

The “stupid” thing she did wasn’t what we were expecting, however.

It turns out that Matteo was apologizing for sending out graduation-dance invitations — with a picture of Ellen DeGeneres on them. Uh oh.

Writing that she was “obviously NOT thinking” when she graced the Oscar-themed dance invites with an image of the world’s most famous lesbian (who has hosted the Oscars twice), this panicked principal sounded practically in tears as she denounced DeGeneres as a “poor role model” who “lives her life outside the teachings of the Catholic Church.” She begged everyone to return “every single invitation” so that she can “personally destroy them” — presumably in her Jesus-brand “Christian Love” paper shredder.

It’s not clear if anyone actually complained or if Matteo just had a delayed moment of gay panic. What is clear (to us) is that beloved entertainer Ellen DeGeneres (whose image was surely used without permission) doesn’t deserve this. “Perhaps I was distracted by the Oscar,” Matteo wrote, hilariously attempting to explain her choice of the photo. Those naked statues can be distracting, indeed.

As for us, we’ve just about given up on getting an apology from the people responsible for the traumas in our own Catholic-school childhood. So we’ll just have to take what apologies we can get. Keep ’em coming, Matteo! Assuming you’re not fired in retribution for your “stupid” mistake, we’re looking crazy forward to what stupid thing you’ll be apologizing for next. What do YOU think it will be?



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