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The Week in Politics

BLOOD SUCKERS

(NSFW)

ted cruz smelly

Riding high on the success of his coloring book, McCarthy wannabe and America’s leading argument for closing the Canadian and Mexican borders, Ted Cruz, accepted a $1.5 million book advance offer from HarperCollins. The book hasn’t been written yet, and chances are no one other than a junior editor at HarperCollins will ever read it. We humbly suggest the title “Mean Eggs and Spam.”

jacobrushchazzdarling

And speaking of bloodsucking freaks, self-appointed “conservative straight shooter” and Congressional candidate from Gainesville, Florida, Jacob Rush, told the Miami Herald this week that he’s deeply offended that his opponent wants to exploit Jacob’s passion for theater.

That does sound unfair. But we’re going to join the bandwagon. See, when Jacob is done with his day job of being a Bible-thumping deputy sheriff who teaches the meaning of the Constitution to children, he alternately turns into a vampire named Lord Staas van der Winst or some kind of creature who goes by Chazz Darling.

Chazz Darling, pictured above, is a real pip who likes to “put on [his] rape face,” shoot dogs, burn books and send lovely sonnets like this to self-proclaimed maidens (warning — immature content below):

“At first I thought you were just stupid and I wanted to stick my dick in your mouth to shut you up while I snorted a line off my new machete […] but since you are walking in Omaha that’s not really realistic right now. I’m sorry, I tried.”

Well, at least someone in Florida has a hobby that makes him happy.

 

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