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Poll

The Rise and Thrall of Paul Ryan

ryanromneymarcus

Complete this sentence: Republicans in 2013 were: (a) hijacked once again by the extreme right-wing; (b) getting worse at disguising their racism; (c) hell-bent on destroying the country; or (d) sexier than ever.

Wait! Before you choose, allow us to make a case for that last option. After all, consider what 2013 gave us: An erotic bodice-ripper starring a thinly-disguised Michele Bachmann as a prez candidate whose damaged plane strands her in Siberia – where a sexy stranger “pollinat[es] her pink flower like a master bee.” Then a “fair play” turnabout list of conservatives who “exude sexiness” – a list that boldly names Ted Cruz and Louis Gohmert the “Hottest Conservative Men in the Political World.” Later, a conservative anti-abortion legislation that claims everyone is so worked up that even fetuses are masturbating in the womb. Heck, 2013 even introduced us to “dinosaur-on-woman” pornography, something that we can’t imagine getting off on without also embracing the “Young Earth” theory that so many conservatives go gaga for.

And if all that isn’t enough sexy for you, there’s also this, squeaking in just before 2013 is gone for good: A fan “slash fiction” starring two of the GOP’s sexy sex symbols, Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan and Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock, in a steamy gay romance.

Aaron’s mind had never felt like this before. It was beyond racing. He wasn’t even thinking anymore. All he was conscious of was Paul’s warm body leaning into his, their lips and tongues meeting for the first time…

Yeah, we kinda figured that would seal the deal for you. The GOP just got hot. Just when we thought it couldn’t get any better than a story about Michele Bachmann stranded in Siberia, we get this. Sizzle!

Of course, since we’re coming up on the December holidays, we’re feeling greedier than a McDonald’s worker asking for a free french fry. We want more! Don’t stop! Our minds are racing. Give us more conservative erotica!!

We don’t really want it for the sex scenes. Everyone knows that the best part of any erotic novel is the pull quotes accompanying the pictures of the rapturously ravaged characters on the cover. Who needs to read the whole thing when you can just stare at the cover and read the sexy sentence over and over… and use your imagination?

We’re getting warm just thinking about it. So what we’d like to know is: What will be the sexy pull quote on the cover of the conservative erotica YOU want to read? Choose and let us know!

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Due to more spam than we can keep up with, we’ve disengaged the comment section that’s usually in this spot. It will be back in a couple weeks – soon as the evil Internet robots have forgotten about the codes that make it work.

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