Britney Spears, Secret Agent


We at the Lester & Charlie Institute of Forward Thinking like to fancy ourselves as being up-to-date on important things. We know how to search Google News, and we get regular Facebook updates from things like LOLCats and George Takei. We’re pretty sure we’re not missing anything important. So it was kinda startling to stumble across the revelation that one of our favorite child stars from long ago is all grown up and torturing Somali pirates.

Really! We all know that some child stars grow up to become drug addicts or media whores, but it turns out that former Mouseketeer Britney Spears is doing something different: Combating evil on the ocean by using her unique talents to make sounds that can drive pirates insane.

We should have seen this coming. We were vaguely aware that Britney’s been making these sounds for some time now, but we hadn’t realized their true purpose until it was revealed this week that songs like “Toxic” and “Baby One More Time” are being inflicted upon pirate ships with the hope of driving them away, or perhaps driving them batshit bonkers.

“Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most,” says merchant naval officer Rachel Owens about the Britney blast. “It’s so effective the ship’s security rarely needs to resort to firing guns.”

No guns! That’s good. It’s nice to get good news once in a while, especially when it comes to former child stars, where the news tends to always be bad. Not that we don’t sympathize; growing up is hard enough, and these kids have to do it with all of America watching. It must be profoundly unnerving. So we’re relived to hear that former child star Britney Spears isn’t twerking or going on homophobic rants or getting drunk or becoming a go-go boy. She’s helping to keep the seas safe! As Britney might say herself, you better work, bitch.

Is it too much to hope that this could be a trend? Could other former child stars follow in Britney’s lead and make the world a better place through sheer talent?

We’ve been wracking our brains for days now trying to figure out if former kid actors like Jodie Foster and George Clooney have any talents that have so far been overlooked. But we need your help! What do YOU think? Besides Britney, how else can former child stars be put to good use in these troubled times?

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This week’s selection from Lester & Charlie’s “GOP Time Machine” Series:

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