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bachmann straight jacket

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Unless you live on a distant planet – like the 6th district of Minnesota – you’ve already heard the shocking thing Michele Bachmann said this week. Yes, we know that she’s shocked you before – calling for a new McCarthyism, telling mothers that vaccines cause retardation, claiming that scrapping the minimum wage will magically eliminate unemployment … But this time what she said threw the nation for a loop. She said she’s quitting.

Yup! Bachmann will not seek re-election in 2014. The same representative who started running campaign ads 17 months before her next election has announced that she’ll be hanging up her dunce cap and saying good-bye to her peers in Congress and the other Mensa members on the Select Committee on Intelligence.

It’s hard to know if it was the FBI investigation into her affairs, her own investigation of Marcus’s affairs or finally taking her meds (as prescribed) that compelled Bachmann to throw in the towel. Whatever the cause, people everywhere are gloating – and not just liberals. Some conservatives are positively thrilled that GOP donors will no longer have to spend upward of $10 million every two years just to keep Bachmann’s seat from going to a Democrat.

“Campaign money is a limited resource, and Michele Bachmann may hold a lifetime record for wasting it,” writes David Freddoso over at the blog Conservative Intelligence Briefing. The way Freddoso sees it, your candidate shouldn’t be so toxic that you have to outspend your opponent 6 to 1 just to elect a Republican in a heavily Republican district. He has a point.

Well, don’t count us among the gloaters. We’re gonna miss all that batshit insanity. Sure, it’s unlikely that we’ve heard the last from Bachmann, but we don’t want to be forced to watch FOX News just for a fix of lunacy that only she can provide. Or, heaven and its dinosaurs forbid, have to resort to reading the bodice-ripping erotic novel just published about her. No thanks.

Before you get too worried, let’s all look at the bright side. First, there’s still enough crazy people left in the GOP to make Bob Dole call for a Republican moratorium! Sure, we know Ron Paul‘s retired, Sarah Palin‘s not running for anything but her life, and Allen West just got the boot. But there’s still Louis Gohmert! Ted Cruz! Steve King! And our new favorite, E.W. Jackson, the GOP nominee for lieutenant governor in Virginia who’s wildly ignoring the GOP establishment’s call for moderation and inclusiveness.

We need to encourage the GOP crazy fringe to double-down if they’re ever going to fill Michele’s tastefully conservative clown shoes. They’re going to need an extra helping of Tea Party Kool Aid if they have their eyes on Bachmann’s mantle as America’s most insane elected official.

Sure, that’s a lot of work. So let’s help them! If the new crop of conservatives wants the kind of national stage that Bachmann is ceding, they have to jump in the deep end of the nut bowl with a snorkel and a mouthful of garbled sound bytes.

What wacko claim do YOU think some publicity-seeking conservative should use to out-crazy the old guard?

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