Where Would Jesus Shop?

jesus grocery shopping

This Week’s Poll!

Last week, we assured you that your government is anxiously readying to quell an imminent Tea Party armed insurrection. We wondered if — despite threats from loonies like failed Senate candidate Sharron Angle – gearing up for battle with the musket brigade isn’t just a little bit paranoid.

Perhaps not. As it turns out, our humble HuffPost poll was picked up by something called the Tea Party Command Center, where it was met by paranoid patriots who informed us that, in the event of violent uprising, armed rebels will “NEVER go after Americans, only progressives!” Oh, and Muslims. And that guns won’t be necessary, because “baseball bats are much more painful and pro-long the dying.”

And they learned us that Obama (who wasn’t born, he was “hatched”) is just like Adolf Hitler because — just like Obama! — he was “able to get just about anything he wanted.” (Wow. Really? Obama gets anything he wants? Then how come there’s still such a thing as the filibuster and Hillary Clinton has been allowed to retire?)

Truth be told, we’re not even all that sure what the Tea Party faithful was saying over at their Command Center. It’s hard to read ALL CAPS, and even harder when you’re deciphering sentences like “THSOE OF YOU THAT HAVE SUCH AS HE IS AN EVIL TYRANT THAT WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIS NAME IN THE HISTORY BOOKS THE WAY HE WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED.” Well, now that that’s clear. No wonder the Army is bracing for an attack.

Of course, such is the Internet. There’s a place for everybody! Which brings us to our favorite new site of Christian nationalist insanity: America’s Praytriot Pages, a place where Christian shoppers can, for the low cost of $7.77, access to a list of businesses that promise to “keep Kingdom dollars in the Kingdom!”

Yes, this is a thing. There seems to be a movement to keep Christian dollars in Christian pockets while doing the Christian deed of putting everyone else out of business.

Companies that list with Praytriot Pages promise they will never engage in commerce that is “unbiblical, sinful, or illegal.” That’s a tall order. Really! Neither illegal nor unbiblical? So much for Leviticus and any thrifty online shopper looking for the cheapest stone to kill his swearing neighbor.

The main question behind the site is, of course, “Where would Jesus shop?” And don’t just assume he’s at the hardware store buying a nail puller. Because, see, the Bible is really dedicated to what to do with your disposable income. Kind of gives new meaning to a Sunday Circular!

But, since we don’t want to prejudice you, why not check out one of the site’s testimonials? Like the one from Connie, a woman who hopes to someday get her Associates degree and end up working for “a Christian based organization.” (Hey Connie, some advice: skip the applications and become a nun.)

We weren’t quite prepared to fork over our blood money to see what kinds of businesses are listed behind that Christian paywall. Not when our imaginations are free! So we’re wondering: What do YOU think? What business would YOU expect to see on those holy Praytriot Pages?

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