Heart and Troll

grinch's heart

This Week’s Poll!

This week, the world collectively skipped a beat over the news that George W. Bush’s former ventriloquist, Dick Cheney, will team up with his daughter and his cardiologist to throw a few words on a couple of pages, slap a cover on it and call it a best seller.

Yes, while some irrelevant politicians stay home and order from Boston Market, others take a page from the Six Million Dollar Man – they scientifically rebuild themselves and make themselves stronger than they were before. But instead of protecting America, Dick Cheney found a publisher.

In case you’re wondering, Cheney’s upcoming book is about his heart. Ironic, isn’t it? Just in time for Christmas, America’s homegrown Ebenezer Scrooge is going to start collecting and sharing his thoughts on the meaning of having a heart.

Cheney himself called this turn of events “nothing short of a miracle.” We thought he meant it’s a miracle that any publisher thinks anyone will pay money to read his tale, but further investigation revealed that it’s a miracle he’s alive after five heart attacks and a transplant.

We always thought there’s a book to be written about Dick Cheney’s heart — or, more specifically, whether he has one. (Just look at how many literary masterpieces have been spawned by the myth of a Holy Grail.) But we hadn’t expected the book to come from Cheney himself, the guy who never apologized for shooting his hunting buddy in the face.

Which might explain why he’s writing it with his cardiologist and his daughter Liz, a lawyer, and not, say, his wife Lynne, the author of steamy lesbian erotica.

But of all the things about this story that caught our attention — like Cheney sharing a publisher with fellow horror writers like Stephen King — one thing really stood out: The book is currently untitled.

Oh boy did that get our brains a-whirl. With so many good titles taken — “Heart of Darkness” for one — what will Dick, Liz and Dr. Pulse call their future bestseller? Let’s help them out! Tell us your ideas. How would YOU title Dick Cheney’s book about his heart?

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