Schoolhouse on the Rocks

This Week’s Poll!

If you’re wondering why your government isn’t spending big bucks to send your kids to school in windowless bunkers with no playgrounds, or where science classes eschew evolution in favor of lessons on “what God made,” or for that matter, sending them to a school that has no library, then clearly you don’t live in Louisiana.

As hard as it’s been to wrap our heads around, Reuters reported this week that Louisiana’s Republican governor Bobby Jindal is pulling millions of dollars from public education to issue vouchers for kids to go to Louisiana private schools.

Now, let’s define “private schools.” While it’s nice to think of these kids going to prestigious Southern institutions — the ones that offer college-style seminars and advanced placement courses — those private schools have few openings. But — guess what? — a number of struggling Christian private schools have plenty of room! And they’re happy to take government money to teach your children things like Bible-based math or build an entire curriculum out of DVDs that mix Bible verses with chemistry.

The GOP fantasy is that privatization is just good old-fashion American capitalism working its magic. But this isn’t capitalism. This is insanity.

“Every time a student receives a voucher,” Reuters reports, “his local public school will lose a chunk of state funding.” Well, that’s one way to bleed the public system dry — and learn them conniving teachers’ unions a thing or three. Scott Walker must be jealous.

Do Republicans even care if American children get decent schooling? Probably not, as one of the schools approved for vouchers teaches kids that liberals threaten global prosperity. And we’re not making this up. If we were, we’d probably invent a quote from a principal who says that her voucher-approved school doesn’t teach evolution because they “try to stay away from all those things that might confuse our children.” (Wait… oops. One of them really did say that. Ouch.)

So, soon there will be a lot of kids in Louisiana without a real education. What to do with them? This problem isn’t going to solve itself. Louisiana needs your help, and it’s no use espousing liberal dogma about the competitive edge our country has if it bothers to teach our kids anything useful. We need a solution that conservatives can get behind! So tell us: What’s a true conservative solution to this problem?

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And now, check out this week’s featured video from the GOP TIME MACHINE:



  1. […] The kids probably don’t understand what’s going on because they are increasingly exposed to preposterous forms of education that keeps the real workings of the world out of their grasp. Texas makes up its own version of history for the little tykes and shields them from satanic notions like critical thinking. Louisiana teaches Bible-based-math. […]

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