Kissing Cousins

This Week’s Poll!

Now that the GOP has officially settled on Willard Mittens as their anointed candidate, we should finally get to see some unity in the scatterbrained Republican Party! It was a long and brutal road to get here, but now it’s time for their shared contempt for that black man in the White House to bring all conservatives together in a chorus of Kumbaya. So let’s see what some of his former rivals are saying!

“[Romney] had a reduction in unemployment [in Massachusetts] of about 8 percent, 10 percent,” said self-proclaimed Mayor of the World and occasional drag queen Rudy Giuliani on CNN. But he couldn’t resist adding that, under his own mayoral watch, New York City reduced its unemployment by 50%. “Maybe it was circumstances or whatever,” he demurred.

This is an endorsement? If it were a martini, it would be an empty glass with an olive pit.

Giuliani isn’t the only prominent Republican to be publicly lukewarm about Romney. 2008 prez nominee John McCain, attempting to distance himself from his past-but-true statement that “people lost their jobs” because of Romney’s brand of leadership, tried his best to toe the party line when he told FOX News: “The only place in the world that I can recall where companies never failed was the old Soviet Union.”

So… at least Romney’s not a Communist? He’s not a single black mother on welfare, either. We can’t imagine why McCain neglected to point that out.

Romney has a problem. Governor Etch-a-Sketch just isn’t getting his de facto support team very excited. Even former rival Newt Gingrich, who is always excited about something, could only mumble on Meet the Press the small handful of things he doesn’t really, really hate about the GOP candidate.

We hope Obama’s sitting back and laughing his ass off over all this. The real contest for president has only just begun, and we’re sure Democrats are looking forward to many more of these milquetoast endorsements. Meanwhile, we’re wondering: what’s the best endorsement Mittens can hope for on the road to November? What do YOU think?

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And now, check out this week’s featured video from the GOP TIME MACHINE: