Lester & Charlie Present

Posts Tagged ‘Red States’

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Michele’s Too Sexy for Her Skirt

In Poll on May 23, 2013 at 1:41 pm

Bachmann_corndog

This Week’s Poll!

Has it ever occurred to you that Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the woman who thinks God sends earthquakes to shrink the government, who thinks it’s an “interesting coincidence” when flu outbreaks happen under Democratic presidents — has it ever occurred to you that Bachmann may have a void inside her?

Well, it occurred to the author of “Fires of Siberia,” an erotic novel that imagines what would have happened if, while trying to boost her foreign policy credentials during the 2012 presidential campaign, Bachmann’s plane went down somewhere in Siberia, leaving her stranded with a “sexy stranger.”

We’re on board with the notion that Michele Bachmann becoming stranded in Siberia is the kind of thing that fantasy is made of, but the sexy stranger bursts that bubble right on the book jacket:

“He touched the void inside her,” the book’s cover pants, “pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”

Ewww.  Here we thought that tax cuts for the 1% were the extent of Republican porn.

The author, a poet named Tréy Sager, has changed Bachmann’s name to Danielle Powers. But the press releases make no secret that Powers, a presidential candidate “full of firebrand pluck and red state sex appeal,” is Bachmann. The character even has her own John Wayne/John Wayne Gacy moment.

All of this must be getting Marcus really peeved. Why didn’t anyone tell him about Michele’s void?!

It’s hard to know if basing a sex novel’s character on the malcontent from Minnesota is satire, but it hardly matters – and it kind of makes sense. After all, it’s no secret that conservatives prefer their female representatives to be prettier than average. And, after those rumors of the Sarah Palin look-a-like stripper hired to work at the GOP convention in Tampa, perhaps this is just the next logical step.

So where’s this going? Is this the beginning of a new “GOPorn” literary genre? Should we be bracing for an S/M fantasy about John Boehner titled “50 Shades of Orange”?

Let’s figure this out together. If Sager’s book is a hit, surely there will more of the same. So let’s get him started. All he probably needs is the title. The rest of book will practically write itself!

Take this week’s survey and tell Tréy Sager what titles YOU want to see lining the bookstore shelf next!

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Sanford & Scum

In Poll on May 10, 2013 at 12:48 pm

Sanford and son title card

This Week’s Poll!

Disgraced politicians everywhere are paying super-crazy-close attention to the surprise comeback of Mark Sanford, the studly Republican former governor of South Carolina who just won a special election to Congress. Sanford’s return is remarkable, of course, because of just how far he’d sunk. This is the guy who made “hiking the Appalachian Trail” the most overworked sexual double entendre of 2009.

But it seems that South Carolina voters are all too ready to forgive the “family values conservative” who misused public funds, secretly left the country and lied to his entire staff about his whereabouts and deceived his wife about his sexual affairs with his South American mistress. Sanford was even busted trespassing on his ex-wife’s property during this current campaign — the same campaign that his ex-wife declined to run for him when, unbelievably, he asked her to. This bad ole boy has certainly got some balls.

After all he put us through, Sanford’s latest victory has left much of the country pretty stunned. It really doesn’t seem that long ago that the S.C. legislature agonized for months over whether to impeach him for the 37 violations he was formally charged with. People: this is the same guy who once hopped on a state plane just to get a hair cut. Who was once named one of the worst governors by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. The guy who made the words “soul mate” cringe-worthy.

Still, some are asking: Is all of this a cause for celebration or despair? Shouldn’t we be kinda sorta happy that the voters in South Carolina chose ideology over Puritanical reaction to all that ugly messy stuff?

Well, Sanford’s 9-point win loses some of that shine when you realize that Mitt Romney took the same district by a whopping 18 points in 2012, and that this district hasn’t sent a Democrat to D.C. since Dick Nixon learned to use chopsticks. And Paul Krugman, on his New York Times blog, argues it doesn’t even matter who you send to Congress, as long as he or she is from the party of your choice.

But, still… Sanford won.  And we’re in shock. Come on, this guy was supposed to be done. Maybe his opponent, Elizabeth Colbert Busch — who by most accounts ran a competent campaign — just didn’t try hard enough to appeal to South Carolina voters. Or maybe South Carolinians just happen to like their candidates Sanford-level crazy!

This got us thinking. What’s a Democrat have to do to get elected in states like South Carolina? How can they be competitive in a ring with odds and logic and common decency stacked against them? What do YOU think?

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The Week in Politics

In Study Break on February 24, 2013 at 11:06 am

According to a recent survey, 12% of Americans have been prescribed the wrong medication. That might explain a few things.

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The $10,000 Pyramid Scheme

In Poll on February 21, 2013 at 1:13 pm

karl rove arrested

This Week’s Poll!

The Higgs-boson may be on its way to proving that the universe is inherently unstable, but it seems to us that nothing could be as unstable as the clown car leading the Republican party.

Just this week, an email from the Grand Poobah of the Tea Party Patriots went out with the subject line, “Wipe the Smirk Off Karl Rove’s Face!” And it included a picture of the esteemed GOP strategist photoshopped to look like the Nazi officer Heinrich Himmler.

The Tea Party’s beef with Rove – what this non sequitur of a photoshop job is trying to telegraph to believers – is that Rove’s recent attempts to raise support for establishment, rather than insane, candidates is nothing short of pure evil.

Understandably, after the lousy return on investment from his American Crossroads Super-PAC in the 2012 elections, Rove is eager to rally support for slightly more electable conservative candidates, ones who spend at least a few hours a day in this century and might even be able to read, write and cross-multiply. Gone are the far-right witches like Christine O’Donnell or creepy rape-obsessed goblins like Todd Akin.

“But wait!” says the Tea Party. “Sane candidates are not going to be on our butterfly ballots!” So to foil Rove’s Sisyphean attempt at finding someone both marginally sane and Republican, they’ve set up a new PAC to “help Tea Party candidates challenge entrenched, big-government Republicans for the nomination.”

And — best of all — veteran conservative activist Richard Viguerie has offered a whopping $10,000 prize to any grassroots conservative who can “submit a plan or ideas to take over the Republican Party, win the November 2016 elections, and govern America by 2017.”

Wow. Uh… $10,000!?! That won’t buy many magic beans for the deserving individual who single-handedly saves America’s two-party system.  

Still, ten thousand dollars is ten thousand dollars. In this economy, most of us would have to go on “Jeopardy!” to ever see that kind of cash. (But if you do, just make sure you forget everything you know about Michele Bachmann first.)

We’re fascinated with the image of all those Tea Party wizards who’ll be scratching their pointy heads, sharpening their erasable ink pens and devising a plan to simultaneously save America and put $10,000 in their piggy banks.

But, it’s not their brilliant or perhaps not-so-brilliant ideas that interest us. It’s what they’ll do with that cash. $10,000 could be a huge windfall to whatever poor, white, rural, government-teat-sucking conservative comes up with the best idea to save the GOP.

So we’re wondering: What do YOU think? How will the savior of the GOP spend all that prize money?

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From Lester & Charlie’s “GOP Time Machine” Series: Good Times!

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Extremist Makeover

In Poll on January 24, 2013 at 12:49 pm

extremist makeover

This Week’s Poll!

Much to the surprise of all those folks whose tinfoil hats only receive transmissions from FOX News, Barack Obama has been sworn in for a second term. And while the GOP holds a majority in the House, the statisticians tell us that, thanks to gerrymandering, more people voted for Democrats to fill those seats in spite of the outcome.

So it shouldn’t be a surprise that – according to a new Wall Street Journal poll –  both Congress and the GOP are ranking pretty low in the Mr. Congeniality pageant.

Right now, only 26% of adult Americans have a positive view of the Republican Party (compared to 44% for the Dems) and for Congress it’s even worse: only 14% are pointing up their thumbs. But it turns out that there’s something out there that people dislike even more.

No, not cockroaches. Cockroaches — along with traffic jams, used car salesmen and Genghis Khan — are doing quite fine when held in comparison to Congress. No, we’re talking about something that people see as even more revolting: the Tea Party!

Since 2010, self-identified Tea Party members have dropped from 24% of the electorate to just 8%. Suddenly realizing an urgent need for a makeover, the South Florida Tea Party announced this week that it’s changing its name to the “National Liberty Foundation” — all to distance itself from a the Tea Party brand. A brand that even the Palm Beach County Tea Party said was infused with too much “negative information” and laced with too many “racist, crazy” connotations.

Gosh, it just seems so darned unfair that a racist and crazy organization should be burdened with a racist and crazy reputation.

But history tells us that this kind of simple renaming isn’t enough to really overhaul an image. Take the infamous Blackwater organization. The brains behind it changed its name to Xe, and then Academi, all with the continuing hope of distancing itself from its human rights abuses. But it never managed to shake its evil reputation. Why? It’s not because they never stopped being evil. It’s because they never came up with a catchy motto like “What’s in your wallet?” or “15 minutes could save you 15%.” That’s why!

So let that be a lesson to the Tea Party. What they need isn’t a name change – there’s already enough lipstick on those pigs. What they need is a tag line! Why shed all those years of carefully built brand recognition? Just get a catchphrase! It’s worked for dozens of evil corporations. Why shouldn’t it work again? So let’s give them a helping hand. What do YOU think? What should be the “new, improved” Tea Party’s tag line?

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The Week in Politics

In Study Break on January 12, 2013 at 12:24 pm

A carpool lane is for two or more persons per vehicle. The definition of person in California’s Vehicle Code is a “natural person, firm, co-partnership, association, limited liability company, or corporation.”

So when Jonathan Frieman of San Rafael, Calif., was pulled over for driving alone in a carpool lane, he argued to the officer that, actually, he did have a passenger – namely, the certificate of incorporation sitting in the passenger seat.

Mr. Frieman hopes to use his traffic violation to overturn Citizens United. Flesh and blood humans wish him luck.

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Where Would Jesus Shop?

In Poll on January 10, 2013 at 1:05 pm

jesus grocery shopping

This Week’s Poll!

Last week, we assured you that your government is anxiously readying to quell an imminent Tea Party armed insurrection. We wondered if — despite threats from loonies like failed Senate candidate Sharron Angle – gearing up for battle with the musket brigade isn’t just a little bit paranoid.

Perhaps not. As it turns out, our humble HuffPost poll was picked up by something called the Tea Party Command Center, where it was met by paranoid patriots who informed us that, in the event of violent uprising, armed rebels will “NEVER go after Americans, only progressives!” Oh, and Muslims. And that guns won’t be necessary, because “baseball bats are much more painful and pro-long the dying.”

And they learned us that Obama (who wasn’t born, he was “hatched”) is just like Adolf Hitler because — just like Obama! — he was “able to get just about anything he wanted.” (Wow. Really? Obama gets anything he wants? Then how come there’s still such a thing as the filibuster and Hillary Clinton has been allowed to retire?)

Truth be told, we’re not even all that sure what the Tea Party faithful was saying over at their Command Center. It’s hard to read ALL CAPS, and even harder when you’re deciphering sentences like “THSOE OF YOU THAT HAVE SUCH AS HE IS AN EVIL TYRANT THAT WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET HIS NAME IN THE HISTORY BOOKS THE WAY HE WANTS TO BE REMEMBERED.” Well, now that that’s clear. No wonder the Army is bracing for an attack.

Of course, such is the Internet. There’s a place for everybody! Which brings us to our favorite new site of Christian nationalist insanity: America’s Praytriot Pages, a place where Christian shoppers can, for the low cost of $7.77, access to a list of businesses that promise to “keep Kingdom dollars in the Kingdom!”

Yes, this is a thing. There seems to be a movement to keep Christian dollars in Christian pockets while doing the Christian deed of putting everyone else out of business.

Companies that list with Praytriot Pages promise they will never engage in commerce that is “unbiblical, sinful, or illegal.” That’s a tall order. Really! Neither illegal nor unbiblical? So much for Leviticus and any thrifty online shopper looking for the cheapest stone to kill his swearing neighbor.

The main question behind the site is, of course, “Where would Jesus shop?” And don’t just assume he’s at the hardware store buying a nail puller. Because, see, the Bible is really dedicated to what to do with your disposable income. Kind of gives new meaning to a Sunday Circular!

But, since we don’t want to prejudice you, why not check out one of the site’s testimonials? Like the one from Connie, a woman who hopes to someday get her Associates degree and end up working for “a Christian based organization.” (Hey Connie, some advice: skip the applications and become a nun.)

We weren’t quite prepared to fork over our blood money to see what kinds of businesses are listed behind that Christian paywall. Not when our imaginations are free! So we’re wondering: What do YOU think? What business would YOU expect to see on those holy Praytriot Pages?

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The Week in Politics

In Study Break on January 5, 2013 at 3:05 pm

January 2nd – 8th is “Someday We’ll All Laugh About This Week.”

“There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.”
~Otto von Bismark

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Tea Party Poopers

In Poll on January 3, 2013 at 9:36 pm

Seceed

This Week’s Poll!

Gun sales have spiked since Obama’s re-election. Petitions for secession have appeared in all 50 states. Sarah Palin is tweeting like crazy. Citizens with big guns are angry and they’re itching for a fight. Is your government ready?

You’ll be glad to know it is!

See, a “thought exercise” described in an article published by the non-profit Small Wars Journal (co-written by a retired Army colonel and a Civil War historian) tries to figure out what the federal government should do if, say, the frustrated Tea Party gets a little too caffeinated and forgets that their muskets and tricorne hats are supposed to be props.

What really scares the authors is the possibility that an armed teabagging rebellion wouldn’t stand a chance of being dunked by local law enforcement — because the locals would be too sympathetic to the rebels. Yes, it may sound paranoid. But it turns out that the U.S. Army’s operating concept for 2016 to 2028 considers a threat by “radical U.S. citizens operating domestically and abroad” to be highly likely.

Conservatives were outraged that anyone was even considering such a scenario. The Washington Times called it “cartoonish” and “farcical.”

We’re not so sure.  After all, just two years ago in her bid for the U.S. Senate, Nevada Republican Sharron Angle threatened that her criminally insane supporters would resort to “Second Amendment remedies” if the GOP didn’t get its way. True, she lost. But not without getting 45% of the vote. And we’re pretty sure that her 45% own a lot of guns.

Have we been watching too many episodes of “Homeland”? Maybe. But the Small Wars article is pretty startling, talking about how preparations must begin now if we’re ever to deal with domestic insurrection — detailing how carefully the U.S. military would have to tread to stay within the law. Any intel collected against the rebels would have to be destroyed within 90 days. Court orders would have to be obtained before any eavesdropping. This wouldn’t be your regular kind of war. You know, the ones we just watch on TV and the soldiers come home, we toss and Oscar at Kathryn Bigelow and then pretend the whole thing never happened.

Still, we’re wondering if the military isn’t making a Tyrannosaurus out of a teapot. If the Tea Party takes up arms against the U.S. government, would it really require boots-on-the-ground warfare to control? What are they going to do – misspell us to death? These are the folks who march around demanding that the government keeps its dirty hand off Medicare. How hard could it be to outsmart them?

Let’s come up with a simple alternative. If conservatives take up arms against the federal government, what’s the easiest way to stop them?

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Kissing Cousins

In Poll on December 21, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Beverly Hillbillies

This Week’s Poll!

Uh oh. We’re coming up once again to that holiday in December that FOX News claims liberals declared a war on. But a couple recent news items make us wonder if the real soldiers in the war on Christmas aren’t our  friends in red states.

Like Carlos Romero, the 32 year-old man in Florida who is spending this holiday season fighting in court for his right to have sex with a miniature donkey named Doodle.

And, according to the hard-hitting investigative journalists at TMZ, the hottest new thing that nobody can get enough of this season is something called hillbilly pornography. Really! Sales are up 250%!

In other words, not only are red states supposedly the biggest consumers of porn, but thanks to the Honey Boo Boo inspired hillbilly craze, they’re starring in it!

So – after weeks of scrambling to find something anybody wants, picking through the last of the tree ornaments at the Dollar Store and pulling apart our kitchen cabinets for some old Ronco products we can re-gift (anyone want either of our Sonic Egg Scramblers? Yes, we have two.) – we now know what to get those conservatives in our lives: hillbilly porn is HUGE and we’re planning to buy it in bulk.

But, speaking of Honey Boo Boo, who looks sort of like a Cabbage Patch Kid and sounds a little like Elmo, we’re reminded just how tough it can be to get one’s hands on the hottest gift of a holiday season.

If everyone and his uncle-slash-cousin is scooping up all the hot hillbilly porn, it’s possible we may have to resort to making our own. Which means we need trailers. Sweat Pants. Plots. But, most importantly, we need titles.

In the spirit of Christmas, pitch in and give us a hand! What are some hillbilly porn titles YOU’D like to see?

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Just in time for the holiday, Lester & Charlie show you how to save big at the grocery store!

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