This tag is associated with 84 posts

We’ve Replaced Your Wife With Folgers Crystals

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.” ~Albert Einstein Everything indicated that the American divorce rate would drop after the invention of Folgers Crystals. Research indicates, however, that in the early 1960s, when these commercials were introduced, divorce was at its lowest rate of the decade.  Over … Continue reading

Rick Perry, Bang Bang

Rick Perry’s brain said yesterday that the recent movie theater massacre pretty much proves that “no gun zones” are a dangerous thing. We wish the victims of the 204 mass shootings (so far this year) could hear that. Heck, for that matter, all the 7,248 people killed by guns since January. And maybe even the … Continue reading

Send in the Clowns

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made Ted Cruz. (h/t Mark Twain) ***

Christmas with the Conservatives

We looked into our Magic 8 Ball and asked what swell gifts we’re going to miss out on this Christmas — since we don’t have any conservative friends who will give us any. Here’s what we saw. ***

Can You Pass This Grand Jury Screening Test?

You may have seen our favorite (if not-so-shocking) headline this week: 100 Brains Missing in Texas! Those brains have apparently since been accounted for. We doubt, however, that anyone found them on a grand jury. Not if that grand jury was deciding the fate of any white police officer who killed an unarmed black man. … Continue reading

One Voice

This week in 1954, the U.S. Senate voted 67 to 22 in favor to “condemn” paranoid, communist-hunting Senator Joseph McCarthy for “conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute.” Because the resolution used the seemingly unenforceable term condemn rather than censure, McCarthy’s supporters on the Senate floor erupted into laughter. Within moments, … Continue reading

Are You More Homicidal Than This Alabama 5 Year Old?

“Mommy? Daddy? What is homicide?” This week, school officials in Alabama put a 5-year-old girl on a suicide and homicide watch after she pointed a crayon at a kindergarten classmate and said “pew! pew!” Yes, this is real. The 5-year-old, identified only as Elizabeth, is said to have drawn a picture resembling a gun before … Continue reading

Here’s the Story…

Rumor says that these razor-sharp excerpts of an unfinished novel were found in an LA trash can. They were originally published online without the author’s permission. The author committed suicide after losing the area code for 1-800-LAWYERS.   EXCERPTS FROM MY NOVEL, Here’s the Story of a Lovely Lady   1. It’s 1969, thought the … Continue reading

The Week in Politics

CROSSING THE LINE   This week, the Golden State Fence Company, which was contracted to build a fence along the California-Mexico border, was fined $5 million — for hiring illegal immigrants to build the border fence. Also this week, Senate Republicans announced that they will address immigration reform in about two years.   *** Get … Continue reading

The Week in Politics

WHERE’S THE DOUGH? It’s no secret that the dreaded Koch Brothers have spent almost $500 million of their bulging fortune on pet Republican candidates and ultra-conservative, narrow-minded “think” tanks. The Kochs have become the poster boys of white-bread American illusions. They’re a three-way cross between Norman Rockwell, Ronald Reagan and a wallet. They want everyone … Continue reading

Sex Cells in Nevada

  A few weeks ago, we told you about the insane things going on in Mississippi schools — where teachers are complying with a law requiring sexual education by teaching girls that “anyone who has sex before marriage is no better than a used piece of chocolate.” Yuck. What could be worse than that? Well, … Continue reading

Porn for Progress

If you’re like millions of other Americans, you’ve been cursing the banks for one reason or another lately. And that puts you in the league of unlikely company: Porn stars! Yes, porn stars. It seems that greater-than-thou banks like JPMorgan Chase have decided that dealing with people in the sex industry — just handling their … Continue reading