Has it ever occurred to you that Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann — the woman who thinks God sends earthquakes to shrink the government, who thinks it’s an “interesting coincidence” when flu outbreaks happen under Democratic presidents — has it ever occurred to you that Bachmann may have a void inside her?
Well, it occurred to the author of “Fires of Siberia,” an erotic novel that imagines what would have happened if, while trying to boost her foreign policy credentials during the 2012 presidential campaign, Bachmann’s plane went down somewhere in Siberia, leaving her stranded with a “sexy stranger.”
We’re on board with the notion that Michele Bachmann becoming stranded in Siberia is the kind of thing that fantasy is made of, but the sexy stranger bursts that bubble right on the book jacket:
“He touched the void inside her,” the book’s cover pants, “pollinating her pink flower like a master bee.”
Ewww. Here we thought that tax cuts for the 1% were the extent of Republican porn.
The author, a poet named Tréy Sager, has changed Bachmann’s name to Danielle Powers. But the press releases make no secret that Powers, a presidential candidate “full of firebrand pluck and red state sex appeal,” is Bachmann. The character even has her own John Wayne/John Wayne Gacy moment.
All of this must be getting Marcus really peeved. Why didn’t anyone tell him about Michele’s void?!
It’s hard to know if basing a sex novel’s character on the malcontent from Minnesota is satire, but it hardly matters – and it kind of makes sense. After all, it’s no secret that conservatives prefer their female representatives to be prettier than average. And, after those rumors of the Sarah Palin look-a-like stripper hired to work at the GOP convention in Tampa, perhaps this is just the next logical step.
So where’s this going? Is this the beginning of a new “GOPorn” literary genre? Should we be bracing for an S/M fantasy about John Boehner titled “50 Shades of Orange”?
Let’s figure this out together. If Sager’s book is a hit, surely there will more of the same. So let’s get him started. All he probably needs is the title. The rest of book will practically write itself!
Take this week’s survey and tell Tréy Sager what titles YOU want to see lining the bookstore shelf next!
Wow. Everything, it seems, is outrageous these days. All of it! Not a mouth in D.C. can open up without the sound of outrage spewing.
And it’s not just the GOP that’s up in arms, this time. Not since New Coke have we as a nation seen a disaster that both sides of the aisle can agree on. That’s right, America is now unanimously and officially outraged that the IRS would have the audacity to target political groups – groups that publicly despise taxes and call for the end of the IRS.
Obama: IRS targeting conservative groups is “outrageous.” GOP Senator Susan Collins: Unfolding White House scandals “truly outrageous.” Carl Bernstein: AP phone subpoena is “outrageous.” GOP Rep. Chris Collins: “Targeting conservatives and Americans who believe in the Constitution is outrageous!” It goes on.
We get it. People are outraged. But pardon us if we neglect to pop that leftover bottle of champagne from the Alvin Greenevictory party.
The word “Outrage” is really starting to lose its potency as more and more people justify their outrage of the day with outrageous statements. Like Dick Cheneytelling the world he’s unable to recall anything in his career that might be worse than the Benghazi attack. Or news anchor Andrea Mitchellcalling the current White House troubles among “the most outrageous excesses I’ve seen” in her entire journalism career. (She covered the Nixon administration and for all we know once interviewed Carrot Top.)
But what’s really outrageous is that all that outrage has us agreeing with the Senate’s de factoYodadu jour: John McCain.
“I’m tired of using the word outrageous,” he told FOX News the other day.
So there it is. Yes, we agree with John McCain on something. That doesn’t happen much. This is the same man whose supposed high-water mark in politics came when he said that Obama isn’t a Muslim because he’s “a decent family man.” The man who gave Sarah Palin a soap box for the world stage.
Having gotten through the drama of last two elections, the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the passage of Obamacare, and oh… too many other things to count… has it gotten so bad in politics today that something as simple as John McCain saying he’s tired of calling everything outrageous feels like a damn good reason to celebrate?
It’s enough, at least, to get us fantasizing. What if every politician agreed to stop using the word “outrageous”? What if Grover Norquist got the whole GOP to sign a pledge not to say it? Aaah, bliss.
But this is politics we’re talking about. And a political promise is about as thin as a well-used Kleenex in John Boehner’s back pocket.
Even if McCain, Norquist or Jesus succeeded in getting Republican colleagues to stop using that over-employed “O” word, one of them would crack. Butwhich one of them would crack first? And how much would it take?
Disgraced politicians everywhere are paying super-crazy-close attention to the surprise comeback of Mark Sanford, the studly Republican former governor of South Carolina who just won a special election to Congress. Sanford’s return is remarkable, of course, because of just how far he’d sunk. This is the guy who made “hiking the Appalachian Trail” the most overworked sexual double entendre of 2009.
But it seems that South Carolina voters are all too ready to forgive the “family values conservative” who misused public funds, secretly left the country and lied to his entire staff about his whereabouts and deceived his wife about his sexual affairs with his South American mistress. Sanford was even busted trespassing on his ex-wife’s property during this current campaign — the same campaign that his ex-wife declined to run for him when, unbelievably, he asked her to. This bad ole boy has certainly got some balls.
After all he put us through, Sanford’s latest victory has left much of the country pretty stunned. It really doesn’t seem that long ago that the S.C. legislature agonized for months over whether to impeach him for the 37 violations he was formally charged with. People: this is the same guy who once hopped on a state plane just to get a hair cut. Who was once named one of the worst governors by the Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. The guy who made the words “soul mate” cringe-worthy.
Still, some are asking: Is all of this a cause for celebration or despair? Shouldn’t we be kinda sorta happy that the voters in South Carolina chose ideology over Puritanical reaction to all that ugly messy stuff?
Well, Sanford’s 9-point win loses some of that shine when you realize that Mitt Romney took the same district by a whopping 18 points in 2012, and that this district hasn’t sent a Democrat to D.C. since Dick Nixon learned to use chopsticks. And Paul Krugman, on his New York Times blog, argues it doesn’t even matter who you send to Congress, as long as he or she is from the party of your choice.
But, still… Sanford won. And we’re in shock. Come on, this guy was supposed to be done. Maybe his opponent, Elizabeth Colbert Busch — who by most accounts ran a competent campaign — just didn’t try hard enough to appeal to South Carolina voters. Or maybe South Carolinians just happen to like their candidates Sanford-level crazy!
This got us thinking. What’s a Democrat have to do to get elected in states like South Carolina? How can they be competitive in a ring with odds and logic and common decency stacked against them? What do YOU think?
Republicans give themselves more reasons to exercise their God-given spin control muscles than Democrats do.
Sure, Dems like Anthony Weiner have to tuck their Twitter accounts back in their pants now and then, and some sucker with industrial strength pliers has to shadow Joe Biden and dislodge that foot from his mouth every few days. But only the GOP has to own up to endless, egregious affronts on consensus reality — like Jan Brewer’s headless bodies in the desert, Bobby Jindal’s “Bible Math” and any noise that comes out of Michele Bachmann’s mouth when she opens it.
The Republicans have exercised so many spin control muscles that those muscles have started to act involuntarily and instantaneously. Like the heart at the core of any wild animal, the GOP has developed an instant if not repetitive spin for everything. Got no experience? You’re the Washington outsider we need! Can’t locate Iraq on a map? Well then, you’re just like a regular American!
Sometimes, conservatives are so proud of how they’ve spun their embarrassments that they refuse let them go. One of those embarrassments made two comebacks this year. We’re talking Clint Eastwood’s Empty Chair!
You know, that chair. The one Clint bizarrely dragged onstage at the 2012 GOP convention and had a long, painfully awkward one-way conversation with. Even Republicans were against this senile display before they were for it.
Inevitably, the chair’s first comeback was in January when it found a home in the office of RNC Chairman Reince Priebus. Talk about “owning” the party’s missteps! And this week, everybody’s favorite turtle impersonator, filibuster enthusiast and all around funnyman, Mitch McConnell, gave the spun-out meme a new spin.
Now, remember: this was the chair that made us imagine Obama telling Romney to go f**k himself. The one that inspired a guy in Texas to lynch his living room chair in effigy – probably while humming “Strange Fruit.” Even nutty Republican Governor Scott Walker described it at the time as “that one moment” at the convention that he truly “cringed about.” (Just one?)
So it was pretty bold of Mitch – in his public response to Obama’s comical jab at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner that ended with, “Really? Why don’t you get a drink with Mitch McConnell?” – to pose next to an empty chair reserved for Obama in a Twitter photo.
This got our brains a-whirl. If the Obama chair can make two comebacks, what’s next in the GOP garbage heap for them to recycle and rebrand?
What do you think? What’s the next political disaster they’ll turn into a triumph?
Sex sells! Everyone knows that. And if a little sex sells a lot, then a lot of sex must sell more!
That’s what the good people at Playtex were thinking when they unveiled their new ad campaign for sanitary wipes with slogans such as, “A clean beaver always finds more wood” and “A polished knob always gets more turns.” (Really!)
Playtex knows that in America sex can sell almost anything — even toilet paper. So the logical next question is, of course, can it sell the GOP? And recent events make it look like Republicans are desperate enough to find out.
By now, you’ve probably heard that House Speaker John Boehner, when questioned about immigration reform and the “pathway to citizenship”, told reporters: “Slow down. Slow down. How about a little foreplay?”
We really don’t want to think about foreplay and Oompa Loompas simultaneously, so instead we started thinking about this new blend of sex and politics. The foreplay comment isn’t an isolated incident. Just this week, in an interview with the AP about budget negotiations, Boehner made headlinestalking about his ass. (No, not Paul Ryan. His rear end.)
It seems that Republicans (bless their tiny hearts) have realized that there just aren’t enough white male landowning voters any more to keep them in power. So they need a plan to get other voters — women, Blacks, Hispanics, gays — back in bed with them. And Boehner seems to want to do it the old fashioned way. No, not slavery. Sex! Seduction! Can’t-fail-pickup lines!
Hey, if sex can sell Playtex asswipes, why can’t it sell the GOP? Just try to show us an American able to resist a pickup line from a guy or gal with full health coverage and a retirement plan!
But since this is the GOP we’re talking about, they might need a little help, lest they risk sounding more like Larry on “Three’s Company” then Cyrano de Bergerac. So what do YOU think? What should the GOP use as an official pickup line to increase their base? Tell us!
Extraterrestrial Culture Day is coming up next week, so we figured it would be a fitting time to hold up our Romper Room mirror and find what Michele Bachmann has been up to.
Lo and behold, we learned about something new that’s happening called the Bachmann Curse – and no, it has nothing to do with Marcus.
It turns out that whenever a contestant on “Jeopardy!” comes up with the correct question to any answer that has anything to do with the mashugana from Minnesota – the contestant loses the game. It doesn’t matter how far ahead they were up until that point. They’re toast.
This happened every time “Jeopardy!” offered up an answer that involved Michele Bachmann. Three times the player went on to finish last. What’s going on here?
Bachmann herself might appreciate how eerie this is. Kind of like the way she called it “an interesting coincidence” that swine flu outbreaks only happen during Democratic administrations. Or how God sends earthquakes and hurricanes to punish America for bloated domestic spending. Michele knows better than anyone that there are no coincidences!
So if there are no coincidences, then why is Michele ruining a cherished American institution that’s enjoyed by millions? Is this part of a vast conservative scheme to pick away at everything we hold dear? They’ve already taken away our money to fund wars, sent our jobs to China, let Wall Street sink our homes and think that state lotteries should be reserved for people who have a lot of money.
Now they want to ruin our TV shows?
Hold on tight to your rabbit ears, everybody. Surely the Republicans won’t stop at “Jeopardy!” It’s time to brace for the worst. What do you think? How else can the GOP ruin our favorite TV shows?
File this under the Department of Redundancy Department.
We learned this week that the Office of Management and Budget – the largest office in the Executive Office of the President of the United States – decided to make itself useful in eliminating government waste. And so it issued its Report on Useless Reports!
In it, the OMB identified 376 reports, all mandated by Congress, that it spotted as redundant, pointless, completely ignored or — as far as we can tell — just bizarre.
Like the one called Consideration of Proposals for Posthumous and Honorary Promotions and Appointments. (What? Does someone in government desperately miss having Checkers Nixon to kick around?)
There’s even a useless report identified in the OMB’s Report on Useless Reports that is itself a “Report on Reports.” So, in a way, we’re talking about a Report on Useless Reports on Useless Reports. Aren’t you glad to know your government is working this hard? And here you thought they were just sitting around waiting for Michele Bachmann to guest star in Hot in Cleveland.
And — dare we say it — what if the OMB’s report is, in itself, useless? What if nothing changes? Yikes. This is starting to get a little to Kafka-esque, even for government.
Not that we should be surprised. There’s so much in politics these days that seems pointless. Grover Norquist pledges. Karl Rove’s brain. John Boehner’s tube of sunblock. And the paper that Mitch McConnell’s state dinner invitations are printed on.
It’s enough to make anyone wonder if anything in government is useful any more. Not that we’re against government. Far from it. The only thing that we’d like to make small enough to drown in a bathtub is Donald Trump’s hair.
So we are trying to ward off some anti-government existential despair before we end up asking Ron Paul for a glass of his Kool Aid. We need your help in remembering that – surely – there are some things in government that ARE useful. Right? Help us liberals get back on track and tell us what YOU think!